18 August, 2008 --[Click on the clown for FREE Jokes in your email!]--

THE LAWNMOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes.
When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

THE HAND OFF

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews, and the minister, responded with ripples of laughter.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride had given him back his credit card.

FOOD COMPLAINTS

Two women were discussing marriage, and one said, "We've been married ten years, and every night my husband has complained about dinner. Not one night without complaining about the food."
The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?"
The first one said, "Not in the slightest."
Said the other woman, "You must be a saint!"
To which, the first woman replied, "Why should I object? A lot of people don't like their own cooking."

THE TERRIBLE SNOWSTORM

While Ronald was visiting his old buddy Jim and his wife Paula, a terrible snowstorm hit town, stranding him at the apartment.
Since there wasn't a spare bed or even a couch, the couple invited him to share their king size bed.
Shortly after Jim fell asleep, Paula motioned for Ronald to come over.
Paula was certainly a fetching creature, and Ronald wanted her-but he was afraid that Jim might wake up.
"Nothing wakes him," Paula tried to ally his fears. "If you don't believe me, pull a hair from his ass. He won't budge."
Though dubious, Ronald did what she suggested and sure enough, Jim didn't stir.
Encouraged, he slipped over to Paula's side of the bed and made love to her.
A half hour later she wanted him again: once again pulling a hair from his friend's ass to make sure he was asleep, Ronald made love to her a second time.
They passed the night that way; Ronald yanking a hair from Jim's ass each time he prepared to make love to Paula.
However after the sixth time Jim finally opened his eyes.
"Y'know, friend," he complained, "I really don't mind you screwing my wife, but I sure as hell wish you'd stop using my ass as a scoreboard!"

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit!

THE TRUE HAZARDS OF DRINKING

If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!

• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a garbage truck at 100 yards.
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk, with assorted things on your head -- lampshades, fruit baskets, underwear...
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay things like thish.
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome, and smarter than some really, really, really big biker guy named "Big Al."
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

THE BIKER BAR

A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway butt naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma, and she is good, the best I ever had !"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says......
"Grandpa,.......Go home, you're drunk!"

THE TREE SELECTION

Two blondes went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

AUTOMOBILE MECHANICS

Two blondes were discussing their automobile mechanics.
Said one blonde, "I was so worried that the garage mechanic might try to rip me off.
But then I was relieved when he told me that all I needed was turn signal fluid."