22 June, 2008 --[Click on the clown for FREE Jokes in your email!]--

THE LAZY FISHERMAN

A visitor from Buffalo was strolling along the California surf one morning.
During his walk he came upon a fellow, fishing pole clutched in his hands, sound asleep against the side of a huge coastal rock. Just then the pole began to jerk violently.
"Hey, there!" cried the visitor as he roused the fisherman.
"Look out there! You have a bite."
"So I do," yawned the drowsy one glancing out at the water.
"If you don't mind, will you pull in the line for me?"
The visitor, somewhat surprised, did as he was requested.
"Now, mister," continued the fisherman, "put some fresh bait on the hook and cast the line out for me."
Again the visitor complied. After doing so he turned to the lazy angler.
"You know," he declared, "anyone as lazy as you ought to get married and have a son to do these things for him."
"That's a good idea," beamed the fisherman. "Know where I could find a pregnant woman?"

WELFARE

A Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long
hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, " You're bullshittin' me! "
The social worker said, " Yeah, well . . you started it."

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder..
"What the hell was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?

I 've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?

I 'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday
So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY WHEN

Nothing you own is actually paid for.
You find your sons GI Joe doll dressed in drag.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific!" and then you remember that you were home by yourself last night.
You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.
The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes...and no one has touched it.
Your mother approves of the person you are dating.
You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD.
Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.
The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.
Your 4 year old tells you that it's "almost impossible" to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him, and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive."Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to Jail for 20 years?"
I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says "I would have gotten out today."

ORGANIST

There was a church down in Southwest Texas that had a very big-busted organist.
Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said............. "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday."

HONEY, LOOK!

A farmer was having trouble getting his horses to breed.
He had tried everything and was at his wits end.
Finally, one day he called the local Vet.
The Vet told him to rub the male nose into the female horse...He would get the scent of her and breed.
Sure enough, the farmer rubbed the male horse’s nose into the female and he hopped right on.
That evening the farmer was thinking about his own trouble in the sex department.
So that night after him and his wife were lying in bed, he reached down underneath the covers and rubbed on his wife and then rubbed his nose.
To his amazement, he got his first hard-on in years.
He yelled out to his wife..."honey look!!! look!!!"
His wife turned on the light disgusted and said "You woke me up to tell me you had a bloody nose?"

DEAF DOG

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.
He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in its ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

THE COW FROM IOWA

The only cow in a small town in Kentucky stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found they could buy a cow in Iowa for $200.00.
They bought the cow from Iowa and the cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.
They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Iowa?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Iowa?"
The Vet replied, with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Iowa”

ANYTHING!

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.