25 June, 2009 --[Click on the clown for FREE Jokes in your email!]--

Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.   Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:
 
 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.


*** Remember.... They walk among us!!!*** And They Breed !!!

The Zoo Keeper

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.


He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"


*


*


*



*


*


*


*


*

The lions say: ....... "Absolutely brilliant! Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

British Humour

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan .

Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian continents are sending labor to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.

Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.

Britain , not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis.

God Bless British generosity.

Pussy Tricks

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of the females' thighs.

To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realizes he is staring and enquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry" replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
 
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

The man, who is getting really interested, enquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman.

The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.

The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies, "No Shit!! It can whistle too?!"

Any Pussy?

The farmer's wife was cooking dinner when there was a knock on the door. She opened it and the man standing there said, "Do you have any pussy?"

"Get out of here," the woman exclaimed, shaking her fist, "and don't come around here no more."

The next night, the same man came to the door, asking the same question. The farmer's wife slammed the door.

When her husband came home that evening, she told him about the two visits. "I'li get that varmit if he comes back tomorrow," he raged. "This time, if he asks you that same question, say yes."

The next night at the sound of a knock, the farmer hid behind the door with his shotgun. His wife answered the door. "Do you have any pussy?" the man asked.

"Yes, I do," the woman said.

"Well, how about giving your old man some," he bellowed, "so he'll leave my wife's alone?"

Elementary Mr Dear Watson

"Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.

"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."

"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."

"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."

"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"

"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

Bottle of Potion

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a party."

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes."

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?"

The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice."

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."

The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."

Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"

Guy replies, "Well... I drank the whole bottle of your potion."

Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what?"

"The girls never showed up!"

Heartburn

A very inebriated lady walks into a bar, shortly before closing time, sits at the bar and orders: "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy".

The bartender brings her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.

"Barberder, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brings her a Martini.

By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on.

She calls: "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn".

Patiently, the bartender comes near her and says: "Lady, I am not abarbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tit is hanging in the ashtray".

Fertility Clinic

After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.

When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor camein.

Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants!

"Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position.

"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.

"Well, yes, I do," answered the woman. "Then lie back and spread 'em,"replied the doctor. "We're all out of the bottled stuff. You'll just have to settle for what's on tap."

Blonde Job Interview

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office.

The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying "Ehhhh .. 22!".

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?".

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag.

She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head.

She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!".

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!".

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"

"Ohh that!", replies the blonde,  "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....'"